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Finally with the F-Bomb, Already!

It had to come. We all knew it had to come. After yelling "You're a nosy bastard!", "Shut up!" and "Dammnit!" in my husband's face while we slept, I started to wonder if I was ever going to drop the f-bomb on my husband. The f-word, the mother of English curse words, that intangible cherry. Was I ever going to use it, THE word, on my darling mate? I could only hope. And watch the Lethal Weapon movies.

And then. It happened. THIS VERY MORNING it happened.

In my dream, I really wanted to go home ... from ... somewhere. But when I started to leave I realized that I had left my shoes inside. I went inside, and there were lots of people, hanging out, laughing and takling, sitting on the floor, many of them with their own shoes off and strewn about. But where were my shoes? I just wanted to GO HOME, ALREADY.

I started looking for my shoes, but when I took a step a man sitting on the floor raised his foot underneath mine so I couldn't step down. I was frustrated and hurried and tired and wanted to find my shoes and get home, and here this man thought it was funny if maybe he made me fall over. Jerk.

He kept provoking me and nothing I could say would make him stop, so I wound up my fist, punched the floor, and yelled, "You're a fucking bastard!"

Except that I was really in bed. I pounded the bed and said "You're a FUCKING -- " before I realized that I was awake and stopped myself.

"I'm sorry," I said, my eyes still closed. "I'm sorry."

I may need to send the mister to counseling.

"Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with a sword. How weird is that?"

Just saw Serenity again. I can't stop saying that line. Love saying the line.

Anyhoo, the point of this post is to say how I have acid reflux disease, or GERD. I've had an occasional irritation in my throat for about 4 years, and my throat had been mildly sore since January. This past week it decided to be really sore, feeling like a nastybad case of viral infection. But no! I have just been awash with acid instead! Yeeha!

For the next 2 weeks I'm trying behaviour modification - no food or drink 3 hrs before bed and an elevated pillow for sleep (but COME ON, no water, even? crap.) - to see if I improve. The next step would be drugs. In the meantime I have a very sore throat but no heartburn-y sensations. I guess this thing can be stealthy. Yay, stealth!

I mean boo. Boo, stealth! Boo GERD. Frikkun GERD.

Meantime I'll jut be saying this:

"Mal. Guy killed me, Mal. He killed me with a sword. How weird is that?"

Good.

She turned me into a newt.

Oh yes, it is here: Ben & Jerry's Vermonty Python Ice Cream.

YUM.

Mum worried about love life of daughter

From Ananova:

Social workers called out by a worried mum to speak to her daughter about her loose morals were shocked to find out their ages.

They had to tell the 92-year-old German mother that her 68-year-old daughter's love life was none of their business.

Adelheid Schmidt called the youth department of social services in Hildesheim, Lower Saxony, to complain about her daughter Tina's "uncontrollable, immoral and loose behaviour with men".

Mrs Schmidt made the call after she found out that Tina had a boyfriend.

But the social workers told her they could not help her as her "child" was 50 years past the age limit where social services can get involved.

I think I'm speechless.

I. NEVER. LEARN.

OK. It's not THAT bad. But I SAW PURPLE IN IT. And champagne and platinum and grey. And brown.

Daaaamn you Feria Caramel Kiss!

He "overturned the bed"?

That's one amazing badger.

Note to self: bring pepper spray on trip to Norway.

They need me

My new job is fantastic, but in the past month I have found notes from 1998, 1993 and 1991 in my desk. And 1991, people, was FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.

I think we can throw those away.

I WAS in bed, but then the apocalypse started.

Oh wait. It was just this.

I cannot link to it directly :(

Visit this page, look at the center column (The Very Best of Season Three). Click on the 3rd item down, "Knee in My Package" (aka "Hand in My Pocket spoof ad").

Come on ... it's funny.

If there was ever any doubt

This is what Rotten Tomatoes has to say about The Da Vinci Code:

Reviews Counted: 159
Fresh: 35
Rotten: 124
Average Rating: 4.8/10
Positive reviews: 22%
Positive "Cream of the Crop" Reviews: 9%
Concensus: ROTTEN

Reviewer quotes:

"an unwieldy, bloated melodrama."
"the urge to tune out is overwhelming."
"flat-out, eye-crossingly dull."
"about as exciting as watching your parents play Sudoku."
"overstuffed and underwhelming."
"a total snore."
"punishingly long, dramatically overwrought"
"one of the most talky and pretentious major films in memory."
"a prolonged slog through material that resists the screen."
"inert."
"even its self-flagellating albino killer monk isn't any fun."

It wouldn't be so good if Howard the Duck was inside

Buy:

For $7.99 (previously viewed); get:

inside the dvd case instead. Keep it because you like it; go back and get Broken Flowers for $7.99 again.

A bargain is a bargain.

Craigslist: proving you don't have to be SMRT to use the interweb

These are real Craigslist ads:

Side table - $30
It is for placing at end of sofas.

Genius! I never would have known!

Black amoire [sic] - $25
Great for storing things out-of-sight, making things look less cluttered.

Wait. You can DO THAT?

Large Shelving Unit - $200
You must pick it up because it won't fit on the back of my bicycle.

No foolin?

Bench - $50
(Shows picture of a sofa table)

I take it the seller might be kinda tall.

Colourful stools - $15
They are in good condition. I want to sell them all together, $15 for the four of them.

Because they became so attached to one another.

SCHLAGE Door Lock - $20
Solid metal so not can't break in thru this kind of lock.

Yes; I woudn't want Not to steal any of my stuff.

Soap Dispenser (smoke black) - $5
By Torre & Tagus $5.00

I've been looking for a name brand soap dispenser.

Breakfast nook - $200
Built-inable leather breakfast nook, green.

If I'm going to buy a breakfast nook, it HAS to be built-inable.

Bidet. American Standard - $100
Unique styled bidet. Complete with taps, vent, and drain.

Someday I'll have to replace my drainless model.

TOTALLY WICKED!

Go to Shiz.ca. Awesome!

Major props to Henri the Great of the best domain registrar and web hosting companies on the planet, Domain Smarty and ET Web Hosting.

We love you, Henri.

Totally certificated.

Now they are sending spam gifs:

Let's respond, shall we?

1) All the night, some the night, same difference.
2) Heck, he'd probably settle to be ON her list. And if he's with a woman that has a list ...
3) I'm not even gonna touch this one.
4) No. Wanna you making write the good for grammar.
5) She's telling him about a former lover? No man wants "he was the best" from a gal he's intimate with.

Deliver? Knock-knock, special delivery ...

So glad the pills are certificated. Wouldn't want to take uncertificated pills.

Honestly, it isn't any of my business WHAT you do with the vendors ...

A Plea

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

When you have sex, it sounds like the entire Lord of the Dance team is rehersing above us on the hardwood floor. While wearing WOODEN CLOGS. GAH.

Neighborinos,

There is something wrong with your bed. It makes the sound of the undead coming to life. Today it came to life at 5:30 AM and I had to finish sleeping on my couch.

Dear Neighbors,

When you have sex, the sound is so annoying it makes me want to PUNCH A BABY. Stop it, already.

Dear Neighbors,

I think the entire country heard you having sex at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. The country wants you to know that it would like to sleep in later than that.

Vecinos queridos,

Es ruidoso cuando usted tiene sexo. Hace que desea lastimarle. Quizás usted debe despedir al Viagra.

Dear Neighbors,

I think you need new furniture. When you make love it sounds like woody woodpecker mating with a set of drums.

Dear Tenant,

You have WON a COMPLIMENTARY SET of QUIET-SEX FURNITURE!

Dear Nymphomaniacs,

I'm all for sex, and I can turn a deaf ear to a lot of sex-related noises. But when you boogie, it sounds like a machine gun going off IN MY HEAD.

Liebe oben Nachbarn,

Stoppen Sie mit dem Geschlecht bereits.

Neighbors,

Do you remember that movie with Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley where they pretended they were Amish? And when the ma and pa in the house had sex on the Amish bed it made a loud knocking sound like WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP!? You sound so much more annoying than that.

Dear neighbors,

Have you ever heard THE MOST IRRITATING SOUND IN THE WORLD? We'll gladly tape it for you the next time you're going at it.

Chers voisins,

Quand vous avez le sexe cela ressemble à d'une ruée des taureaux. Obtenez un nouveau lit.

Yo-yo,

When y'all are all up in each other's grill, we're all up and ready to HURT SOMETHING.

Dear neighbors,

You might want to tone it down. I wouldn't want you to sprain your wee-wee or hoo-hoo.

Neighbors,

OH MY GOD THE NOISE THE NOISE STOP STOP STOP MAKE IT STOP ALREADY.

Dear deviants,

This is a celibate building. No one is permitted to have sex here. You didn't know? I'll help you pack ....

Dear occupant,

I'm getting concerned about the noises we hear from your place. It sounds like a million chefs chopping on a million cutting boards. Is everything ok up there?

To the people upstairs,

I think your bed is posessed. We have to do an exorcism STAT.

Neighbors,

Please, for the love of GOD, get a QUIET bed, put padding on the bed's feet and back of the headboard, and reinforce it at every angle so that it will not clack, knock, squeak, rattle or otherwise DRIVE ME OUT OF MY EVERLIVING MIND.

Sincerely,

Shiz

Recent Events

So this morning I trimmed my hair. It looks better in the mirror, but probably does not look good to a pro hairdresser. Oh well! C'est la vie!

Ever since I got so frustrated with flat-coloured hair that I went out and bleached it three times, I've had a bit of hair damage. And roots; my roots were visible in less than a week. LESS THAN A WEEK. Because, my hair, it grows like something that grows really fast, then with speed mixed in.

So I am cutting all my hair off, going short pixie once again, and not messign with the dye-more-than-once scenario. Sure it's FUN, who doesn't love HOURS of chemicals and not being able to touch anything for fear of bleaching it? If you answered, "Shiz" then you are right. I love it.

So I will have it all cut off soon, which is why the AM hairtrim didn't bother me today. I was all, "Whatever." Oh yes, I was! And since my last haircut was so SPECIAL, I've decided to go somewhere else this time. Perhaps on my lunch. And then I will dye it a colour closer to my original shade, but without the dirty-dishwater look to it. Dirty dishwater was so last year.

And I've lost close to 10 pounds on the Weight Watchers plan! In 5 weeks. At any rate, I'm losing, and that is nice. Soon I'll be a svelte little thing. If by soon we can mean, "In six months to a year, give or take." Awesome!

This post is boring and it talks about my hair and diet. Swimmin the deep waters, aren't I?

I know; this post should not suck so much. I'll work on it.

The Zag

I am Happy! I feel great! Life is wonderful! The sun in shining! Everything is beautiful!

It does get better, see?

Now I will say "DAMNIT!"

Because HI! I'm SAD! AGAIN! WHAT A FANFREAKINGTASTICAL SURPRISE.

OH, SHUT UP. THE INTERNET IS TIRED OF YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE SAD. EVERYONE GETS SAD.

Yeah, ok, but sad for no reason? Like, things are GOOD right now but still I'm sad sadness?

WHATEVER. YOU'RE PROBABLY FAKING IT FOR THE ATTENTION.

Oh hell no. I can get attention plenty of other ways. It's not like I'm all "Hey internet, have pity on me and stroke my ego. Tell me how pretty I am and that you're totally THERE for me." This is where I write about what's going on. And the sadness? Is what's going on.

And fuuuuck, I hate it.

Anyhow, other than this morning, I've been doing SO! VERY! WELL! and happy and not having unexplained moods and feeling generally upbeat and ready to conquer the world and yada yada. I've volunteered with our local Shakespeare fest and Jazz fest. I'm into the fests.

Things are going well for the hubby and for us. He booked tickets to India for January so that he can shoot pics for his photography portfolio. He da man. And when he's gone? I get to fly somewhere, too. Like NYC. Or maybe Portland. Niiiice. AND, he and I will spend my birthday together! Which we only did once these past 4 years! And I was deathly ill! But he still got me YUMALICIOUS Chinese food! And rented Alex & Emma!

Now I'm off to eat lunch and possibly some sadness-reducing chocolate.

Thanks for listening, internet.

Toilet Mouth Strikes Again

Do you remember me telling you about those two times I yelled profanity at my husband in my sleep?

Apparently, I've done it again. According to D, I yelled out, "DAMMNIT!" in my sleep the other night.

Any bets on when I'll drop the f-bomb?

Ah, QMFM.

You never fail to play "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy" at least once a day.

It is, of course, my all-time favourite.

If only David Hasslehoff would cover it.

(pause)

(blink)

(pause)

(blink)

I think a small part of my brain just imploded.

My first hint was her blonde/black/white bride-of-dracula hair.

The last time I went in for a haircut, I told the haidresser that I wanted it very short, as usual, and tapered in close to the neck in a very feminine (short pixie) look. She did that, but at the bottom she left a horrifying 2" fringe that stemmed from the bottom hairline downwards. In essence, it was a two-inch mullet.

I said, "Oh no, none of this. All this off. Short and tapered." She looked hurt and said, "But you wanted feminine. I thought that is feminine. That is what you want if you want feminine."

"No that's not really feminine," I said, and I could tell she didn't understand, "It's more ... like a trucker." She was quiet and moody for the rest of the cut. Just what I need, a Jewish-mother-type hairdresser.

Yeah. It was the haircut of my DREAMS.

It's like having déja vu all over again.

Anybody remember that time our 7th-floor apartment flooded?

Two years later, in our ground floor suite 5 blocks away, a crack in the bathroom ceiling is dripping water whenever the people upstairs take a shower. And the landperson isn't doing much anything about it.

This water stuff, it is WAAAAAAY FUN!

I love it when the arts meet practicality!

Like with this.

What's going on?

Hi. Like the site? It's so ... template-ey. That part is only temporary. At least it's a nice template.

I'm making changes; when all is said and done, everyone I know that reads the blog or who has commented with a valid email address in the past several months will be sent a GRAND RE-OPENING email*. Nice, eh?

Hang tight. The bumpiness of the ride will be brief. And woo-hoo! Bumpy ride! AWSUM! (What am I talking about, again?)

* If you want to ENSURE you are on that list, leave a comment below with your email address in it (I'm talking to YOU, lurkers who never comment. I like you. You don't have to comment. Not evah. But I want to INVITE you. Don't you want to be INVITED?). No one will see your email address IF you also leave a valid URL and I'll only use it to send you my GRAND RE-OPENING email and scads and scads of P0rn.